Back from the Brink

The Brink

Well shoot. Never thought I’d be sharing this. This is really scary for me, but I want people to know so they can find hope, for themselves or others. It was internet sites like afsp.org that brought me back from the brink of despair and prevented my suicide. One of the major symptoms of depression is irrationality, so even though I was surrounded by loved ones and opportunities, I felt completely isolated, alone, unloved, a failure, trapped, and completely sunk under everything, with no way out. It was simply too much. How could a failure like me even have anything worth giving? I felt that I didn’t, and thus nothing worth living for.

A scientist at heart, I decided to do some research on the web on the best way to commit my suicide. What I found instead were complete strangers reaching out to me in love and compassion to let me know that I was actually and indeed very much loved, wanted, and needed. That there was a way out. That I could do this thing called living, even though it was hard and felt completely and utterly pointless.

I read these sites every night for weeks, months. Even years later I reflected on the love I’d found from complete strangers who got me, who sympathetically understood my burden without knowing anything about the details, only that it was hard. Each night I wept bitterly.

It would be years before I no longer felt the need to end my existence, and many more before I regularly thought of it as a viable option, and there are times still when I wonder if it may be a solution.

However, I found a way out of those troubles that plagued me. It did take time, but on the other side of it I discovered that my talents and skills, the very ones I thought inept and inadequate, were in high demand! That I was wanted, and that I had the power and ability to change my life, which I did. Drastically! The biggest change being me and the value I see in myself, for the troubles keep coming and always will (that’s life after all!), but I am more than equal to them.

Thank goodness 10+ years ago someone saw the value within me without even ever seeing me, that knew I had a calling and purpose in life, that I was needed, and that I was loved deeply, everlastingly, and abidingly.

Let me just reassure you, if you are as I was and still sometimes am – whether you struggle with depression or whether it’s just a bad day, month, or year – those statements in the last paragraph apply to you also!

YOU ARE AMAZING!

YOU are loved everlastingly, abidingly, and deeply. YOU have great, infinite value. I see your heart, and I see it as big and wide and loving as the ocean. YOU are meant for great things. Your unique experiences, skills, talents, hopes, and dreams are NEEDED. You are the only one that can fill that role. Your wild, courageous, meek, warrior heart, oracle mind, brilliant talent is irreplaceable. No one can accomplish the things you were called to do. I sincerely believe that we were ordained to callings in this life: all of them unique. There are and will always be things all through your life that only you were meant to do. YOU ARE AMAZING! YOU matter to Him.

The hardest thing about life sometimes is living it. I’m ever so grateful to those that help me daily, weekly, yearly, or even just that once. The Lord asked us to bear one another’s burdens. Then he gave us unique gifts and talents to share with others, to fill their needs and their lives as no one else could because no one else is who we are!

To the YOU that was/is like me: now I find strength in carrying on because if little ol’ me can carry on, certainly YOU can too! Not because your life is easier, but because YOU are more than equal to the task!

YOU \ggg{\sum{\text{your troubles}}}

YOU are much, much greater than the sum of all your troubles! (The  \ggg{} symbol is used in mathematics to indicate a major inequality.)

A joy beyond measure

As a side note: This is why I created Nancy’s DoGooders. I have rarely found such relief from my burden than when I was using my unique experiences, gifts, and talents for others: whether that was through my work, as a volunteer, as a much needed friend, or as family. Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure! (We’d love to have you like our Nancy’s DoGooders facebook page to join us in our missions!)

The Walk

As I mentioned in Just when you think what you aren’t making a difference, my friend Paige, a fellow sufferer, suggested Nancy’s DoGooders next mission be to help raise awareness and understanding for suicide and depression by participating in the SLC “Walk Out of the Darkness” on September 19, 2015. We’ll be wearing green. And if you’d like to show your support even if you can’t attend, then Paige came up with a brilliant idea for you to do so! Please check out the Nancy’s DoGooders Special Op Mission: Out of the Darkness Walk for how!

Already in sharing my participation in this event with others I’ve felt lives be touched, and who knew how much it would touch my own?! I’ve rarely shared these dark moments before (only with those very close to me). It scares me witless to do so! (Also, I can’t believe I thought witless was spelled with an ‘h’!) I’ve cried through typing every letter of this post. But if it even gives one person the branch they need to hold on to, then I gladly share.

“Never give up. Never Surrender!” ~Commander Taggert

There is hope. There is much mire, but you are more than equal to the whirlwinds of life. You are an infinite being with power, and resources to call on in your hours of need. God doesn’t always, sometimes feels like never, relieve us of our heaviest burdens, but he will always be with you as you strive to be with him. He will always come to your aid, in ways you never dreamed of, usually small and simple, sometimes grand and glorious. Hold out for those moments. They are oh-so-worth-it! You are too!

All my love, prayers, and angels to aid your way,

Fancy Nancy

Fear

For a long time I didn’t write the things my soul was just dying to express because they didn’t fall into any of the categories where I felt my audiences for my websites would appreciate them. My other sites have very specific topics that my audience expects — for instance, my Art of the Written Word website is specifically for writers, and my readers expect topics on writing and editing. They don’t care about my morning cereal or fall donuts (I know you do though! ;)) — and when I went outside those topics I lost reader interest. So what to do?

I created this site. A site where I could feel free to express what I wanted! To share helpful tips, funny stories and conversations I have, get serious and existential on your bottle top, or just post a picture I took or a painting I made, or some silly graphic I designed in Microsoft Paint. (Don’t diss the Paint!)

And yet, I find myself doubting whether or not it’s okay for me to post certain things. There will always be things I say or write that people won’t care about, post rude comments on, or (gasp!) even disagree with! I could possibly, like I already have, offend someone! Though they didn’t say as much to me until I asked them about it, I know there are someone’s who were offended that my One Song swore. As I wrote it I knew someone was going to get offended, and I’m sorry if you were offended; no offense was intended. I wanted just to express how I felt and dangit all (no censoring there, I really did just say dangit!) “*&%$” was exactly how I felt!  Cause life is hard and the only language harsh enough to describe the crapiness of it all isn’t nice or pretty, or fancy at all. (Btw, if you were one of those people that got/gets offended over the swear word, I don’t mean to be calling you out or telling you to get over it. It just means you’re a much nicer person than I am.)

Back to the point which is that this is my blog. MINE. Why am I letting others expectations limit my desires to share? I’ve got lots of good stuff beyond the poems, funny stories, and even philosophical stuff I’ve posted already. And, Pomegranate!, I’m going to share it! I’m going to share it all whether you like it or not! … But I do hope you like it and share it with your friends on facebook and twitter, and sign up for blog updatessubscribe to my youtube channel, and like me on facebook.

And, though I make no promises, I’ll even try not to offend you. I really do love you.

🙂

Nancy out.